heart rip

i drove all the way there
and when i reached the river
tea-brown and deep
i got out.
slammed my door.

i sat on the hood
one smoke, two.
the ring glittered
like the sunlight
was a spear-challenge.

the tree whispered. shade
speckled my arms
like bruises, dappled
my breasts like
your mouth.

when i could stand
without shaking
i drew back my fist
let it fly.

you taught me
how not to throw
like a girl.

the ring sank
without a ripple.

i smoked another one

and drove back home.

when
do you stop loving
and start making sure
they can’t hurt you
anymore?

i used to think
love was endless
and if i just
did it hard enough
everything would
turn out.

now i know
better.

there’s no way
other than
putting up
the barricades.

so if you need me
i’ll be in my foxhole.

identify yourself.
because i will shoot.

i couldn’t
love you hard enough
to help you
love yourself.

you were determined
to turn into them,
those people
you said you hated.

i tried my best. i
loved you like a hurricane
i loved you
like a rock. i took
each hurdle the way
a horse jumps,
committed fully.

but now
i balk.

you have
lied
cheated
stolen the things i would have given gladly.
you have thrown away
the best fucking
thing
that ever happened
to you.

yeah.
hope that was
what you wanted.
i hope
you got
what you needed.

if you wanted
to break every
shred of love
i felt for you

congratulations.
you’re a success.

you know, it’s ironic
the first time you
admit jealousy, wanting
me,
wanting to burn.

after you kept quiet
all this time, thinking
it was better for
you if you didn’t
admit it.

i’ll admit it.
i like knowing you
burn.

it makes my own
pain a little
less, in retrospect.

but only in retrospect.

you could have
said something
before and spared
both of us.

but i guess
that’s not
your style.

in doorways
under bridges
shuffling near the salvation
army, in the part of
town where car locks chuck
down as the fortunate pass
with steady pressure on
the accelerator,
i look.

i look
even when
it’s sunny
and the parks are full
of everyone
who can stand
to be outside.

are you warm?
are you safe?
are you eating?

are you alive?

i don’t know.
i don’t know,
and i think
you like it
better that way.

i still look
even here
in another city.
i see the haunts
and the gaunt,
the shuffling
and the shaking.

none of them
have your face.
all of them
are you.

you wouldn’t recognize
me now. it’s not
just that my skin’s
changed, body
shedding things i
carried for you.

no, you wouldn’t
recognize
my smile, the soft
happiness in me,
the sudden grace.

those things
were always
there. you
never saw
them anyway.

all the same…

…you wouldn’t
recognize me now.

new hair
new clothes
new body
new skin
new dancing
while i walk
and new singing
while i talk.

if i ever pass you
on the street,
that will save
me. you will
be oblivious
and i

will flutter
away.

got up.
ran errands.
visited friends.
was social.
the whole day
gone before
i knew it.

and then
ten PM
standing in the kitchen
with a greenglass
of water
i realized

i had not thought
of you all day
or checked the phone
to see if
you’d come to
your faint senses.

i had not
worried
once.

i called it progress
drank off the water
and went to bed.

so i’m alone.

it’s not so bad. i
wake up in the
morning and i have
only my own mess
to clean up.

i leave
and i don’t have to tell
anyone where i’m going
or when i’ll be back
or no you can’t come
fine, okay, you can
just stop hurting me.

i don’t have to
lay awake at night
wondering who you’re with
and why,
wondering when you’ll
need a bed or meal
again and rediscover
you love me.

you stole from me
each time you said
you loved me.
you didn’t have to.
i would have given
so much, just for
the asking.

but now
i wake up alone.
as mercies go
it’s small
but it’s mine.

and i’ll keep it.