Archive for April, 2010
dear virgin,
let’s talk.
you’re a bulb and
a plastic shield. how
do you smile even
when you’re unplugged?
i want to go
to church.
but
god, that bastard
will hit me
if i cross
the threshold.
besides
they don’t open churches
at one a.m. here
in the cold.
so i stay at home
light another smoke
take another swallow
the whiskey burns
its way down.
and i talk to you.
they say you hear
all the cries
of the world.
they say you are
mercy itself.
so tell me
why can’t you be
the one in charge?
the last thing
we need
between stars exploding
with nuclear force
and everything eating
everything else
down here
is more violence.
was there
a corporate takeover?
do you look at the
direction he’s taken
the company in
and cringe
while you listen to our
screaming?
senora, my lady, virgin, please
please
find some balls
and fix some things
down here.
i’ll stay here
all night
with the bottle
and the ashtray
and the haze
in the air
if it will make you
do it.
“got two kids,” he says. “i tell
them, you gotta man up,
you know. Be a man.”
he swipes the tampons
over the UPC reader
and grins. “they think
it means being tough.”
i nod. he doesn’t
even notice what
he’s ringing up.
“my wife, she tells
me they won’t get
it until later. says
it’s life.”
i watch him bag
my girly groceries.
“i think that’s true,”
i finally say. “most
guys are 14 forever.”
“who wants that?” his
gold tooth flashes.
“see, girls, they got to
grow up. boys, some
times their mamas,
they keep them from
growing. wash their
socks instead of
saying, wash your
own.”
yeah, emilio the checker,
he works two jobs.
he always has a smile.
if he’s working he’s
getting paid.
they live in my
complex.
and i never tell
emilio about the
guy his wife
lets in at 6 a.m
when emilio leaves
for the morning shift.
a real tough guy
in baggy pants
and neck tattoos.
she opens the door
and glances out;
a pretty woman
with dark eyes.
i could be wrong
so i keep my mouth
shut.
but i always go through
his line
and tell the manager
what a good guy he is.
christ.
i told him
that i loved you
as hard as i could
and it wasn’t enough.
he said
“some people just
have holes inside.
all the love runs
out, or vanishes.
it’s a hat trick
only the rabbit
is a black hole.”
we sat there for a few
moments. the nightlight
glowed.
and then i poured
him another drink.
“you’ve earned this one,” i said.
the rain talks, a
mouthing mumble,
hard on the gutters
rushing water.
senora, you and i
we’re going to have
to come to an agreement.
i need a little mercy
not just a benign
smile.
the smile’s cheap
you just paste it on
and get through the
day.
right now
every shred
of good
i’m getting
comes from
jack daniels.
nuestra senora,
if you want
to give him
a run for his
money, you
better start
steppin up.
signing papers
making small talk
drinking coffee
more papers
more coffee
more talk talk talk
being grownup
it’s scary
especially when
they have the computers
and the judging
and the applications
and the slicked-down hair
but i got home
took my shoes off
looked at what
i’d done and thought
there is no going back
this is where i break
everything and remake it
this is where
i say
i’m a big kid now
and there was
relief
that i didn’t have
to live up to anything
but my own
tick-tocking heart
when
do you stop loving
and start making sure
they can’t hurt you
anymore?
i used to think
love was endless
and if i just
did it hard enough
everything would
turn out.
now i know
better.
there’s no way
other than
putting up
the barricades.
so if you need me
i’ll be in my foxhole.
identify yourself.
because i will shoot.
i couldn’t
love you hard enough
to help you
love yourself.
you were determined
to turn into them,
those people
you said you hated.
i tried my best. i
loved you like a hurricane
i loved you
like a rock. i took
each hurdle the way
a horse jumps,
committed fully.
but now
i balk.
you have
lied
cheated
stolen the things i would have given gladly.
you have thrown away
the best fucking
thing
that ever happened
to you.
yeah.
hope that was
what you wanted.
i hope
you got
what you needed.
if you wanted
to break every
shred of love
i felt for you
congratulations.
you’re a success.
in a few years
i’m going to
want someone.
i’ll want someone
real, something
to hold onto.
someone
who can live
with me
and pick up
his own damn trash.
in a few years
i’ll want to
leave the door
open
maybe for a
stray, maybe
for a show.
when the time
comes, they’ll
show, lured
to honey.
maybe i’ll want one.
and maybe not.
i like
living alone.
in my sweats
watching a
movie
and nobody’s
filth to clean
but my own.
oh someday though
if i find the right
stray, i’ll invite
him in.
nothing says
i have to let
him stay.
waiting
doesn’t feel like
waiting
when i’m
waiting for me.
but put you in
the equation
and it’s
nails on
chalkboard.
i want
my time back.
all those
pieces of
me are mine,
you can’t
have them.
i refuse
to wait
for you.
you bit in.
i bruised like
an apple, but
i ripened.
so long since
i felt out
of control.
contain me.
i like
the aggressive
for a reason.
when i’m caged
your arms around
me, sweat sliding
between us,
everything
in me
yearning…
then i can be free.
you left a mark,
more than one.
and today
i can’t stop smiling.
